It's been awhile....AGAIN

I know it's been awhile since I last put a post up, and I probably would not have been on the track to do so had I not been driving to work this morning when a song stirred my memory. This song does not make me think of anything specific, but it does bring back early days of high school to me. As I was listening to it, I just was thinking a thousand thoughts about those days and how good life was (despite the obvious challenges being a young teenager in high school). The song is Natalie Merchant's, Carnival; it flashes me back to driving around in friend's cars, going out at night, and just having a really good time. I guess it's just because that's a CD I was listening to a lot back then.

Somewhat related to this - I dream a LOT. I would consider myself to have obsessive dreaming. My dreams are extremely vivid and real and I have a very good memory for them the next morning. Most of the time, I can pick out different things in my day that show up in my dreams all mushed together in some strange sequence, extremely distorted. Many times, random, and real, people show up even though I haven't thought of, talked to, or even mentioned in a very long time. A few nights ago, two friends of mine in high school were in my dream and I literally haven't talked to them in about eight years....

And on another note - I know I've written in the past about family issues between my dad and his brother, but lately it's changing again. There are time periods where that brother of my dad's and his family pop in and out of my grandmother's life and it makes her so happy, because the rest of the time, they are non-existant. However, she can't distinguish the fakeness and niceness for true feelings. It's very irritating to myself and my family because we do not choose time periods when we want to see or talk to her, especially my dad. My parents do so much for her because they love her and want to watch out for her the way they do. The whole scenario is very frustrating on many levels.

I hate conflict and I avoid it at all costs. As much as I am so angry and spiteful at that family and cousins of mine, a small part of me hates that my dad and his other siblings do not speak to each other because of all of the family drama. The relationships in that family have been so up and down throughout life, but I suppose it's hard to get over gaping holes that can't ever seem to be fixed, and at this point, don't seem as if that's EVER going to happen. I even dream that I see my aunt and uncle or cousins and what I would say to them if I had the opportunity. I've often fantasized about writing a letter of all the things I've always wanted to say, but never did back when everything was going on, and now, when they hurt my grandmother the way they do.