New beginnings

Yaaaay!! We got our bedroom set delivered this morning, so I had about 10 minutes to enjoy it put together and then I had to get to work. But yaaaaay!! It is the first bedroom set I have EVER owned.

Of course growing up I had a few different beds, but I NEVER had all pieces in my bedroom to match. Not to mention, my bedroom was so small growing up that all that could fit was a bed and 1 dresser anyway.

It's a little bit bigger than I think we expected, but it's soooo nice...and I KNOW that it will last us a VERY long time.

Holiday Lights

When I was younger, I can remembering nights where my family would pile into the car and drive around just to look at all of the Christmas lights. It was so exciting to see the different ways people would light up their house. It always got us in the holiday excitement mood and there certainly were some houses that totally outdid all of the rest.

Last night on my way home from work I was reminded how much I love looking at all of the Christmas lights. I got that feeling of excitement inside and I couldn't wait to start decorating my own house. This will be our first Christmas in our house together and I can't wait to get a tree and decorate. In the past we always lived apart, but would decorate his apartment. It just wasn't the same for me because I didn't really live there. This is also our first Christmas together, knowing it's the first of many many more to come.

I feel disappointed in some ways though because I was trying to think of when I could start my Christmas shopping and I don't have ONE available weekend through the whole month of December. I want to go see the Christmas tree in NYC, and out to Pennsylvania to Longwood Gardens to see the light spectacular out there...It just seems like there isn't enough time to do EVERYTHING that is Christmasy.

Ugh

On a daily basis, my job is one in which I have to make decisions based on the facts that present themselves to me and the overall well-being of the person/thing I am making my decision on.

Yesterday, I had to make a decision using my head and not my heart, and in the process, I broke a heart. It's one of those situations you know you did the right thing, but yet, it just feels sooooo wrong.

Holiday Cheer

It's that time of year where people start to prepare for their holidays. First it starts with Thanksgiving, then Christmas preparations, Christmas Eve, Christmas, and the New Year celebrations. I love getting into the spirit of the holidays, and always brings back some memories for me.

One of the things that is a defining item in my holiday is my stocking. It is special because every member on my mom's side of the family all contains the SAME stocking. My mom's aunt has been making these stockings for as long as I can remember. My mom and her sisters, her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many extended relatives all have the same stocking.

Now that I am engaged and starting some of my own traditions with my fiance, I was trying to find a way to encorporate him into the stocking tradition. My great aunt has a house at the beach and spends her summer on the beach making these stockings among other knit items. Before the summer started, I asked my great aunt to make a stocking for my fiance so that he could be a part of our tradition. I wasn't really sure how it was going to work with my stocking at my parent's house...but I wanted him to have his own part of the tradition.

Well, little did I know, my fiance wanted the same thing for me. However, he wanted to start the tradition in our house, but didn't want me to have to take my stocking from my parent's house. He therefore asked my great aunt to make one for me to have in our house.

The day after our engagement celebrations, my mom came out and gave BOTH of us a stocking. We were both confused at how there were two, until we realized that we did the same thing for each other.

I guess great minds do think alike and now we can encorporate a special tradition of my familys' holiday in our own house.

Bon Voyage...

We're at the time of year now where my fiance starts to travel more for work. We are very fortunate that he doesn't do this all year round and the longest stint he will be gone for is 5 days. For the rest of the winter season it will be a few days here and there with most just one or two night trips.

We were discussing this morning how lucky we are becasue there are a lot of people we know who travel for business and don't see their significant others for more lengthy periods of time. I will admit that I don't do well with "good-byes" and I always get a little down (like today) knowing he's going to be gone for almost a week.

So, I decided to find things to keep me busy. We've been pretty gung-ho with some project ideas around the house and I really pushed the issue about picking out a color to paint the spare bedroom. The painting project was supposed to keep me busy while he was gone, but now I feel like I'm TOO busy! I've been a little under the weather, and extra tired for some reason, and all I REALLY want to do is sit home laying around doing absolutely nothing.

But, I want to get the room done and it will look especially nice once we go and pick out the black bedroom furniture we have in mind. We've even bought nice shelving for some of the sports memorabilia, so we're trying to get it done before we have company over in a few weeks. Probably not the furniture, but everything else at least....

I BELIEVE

I believe in a LOT of things....I believe in love, I believe in destiny (one that you create), I believe in being happy (even though it might take a little bit of work), and I believe that everything happens for a reason...

When I was 20 years old, I experienced something that someone that age shouldn't have to go through. When I tell this story, people don't know how to react, but I tell it because I believe that everything happens for a reason.

In a whirlwind of a summer, I fell in love for the first time and was living in a world that was always happy and things were wonderful. We spent all of our time together and I didn't think things could be any better. September came and it was time for me to go back to school. He was older, and he lived at the beach, so I really didn't know what was going to happen.

One night I got a call from him telling me how much pain he was in. His parents took him to the emergency room and the next day found out that he had an advanced stage of cancer. When I tell you that it knocks the wind out of you, it really does. I went and saw him after undergoing major surgery and I already knew things were going to be different. I layed with him in his hospital bed and was scared, more than I have ever been in my entire life. My grandfather died of cancer and I knew firsthand what it can do to someone.

In this situation, you have a choice to make. You run away scared, or you step up and stand by their side unconditionally. There was only one choice for me.

Things were never easy. He had to move out of his apartment and in with his parents. There was never any good news, more bad days than good, and a lot of struggles. He tried with all of his might to push me away. He didn't want me to see him that way and he didn't want me there through the bad days, only the good. I stayed. I held his hand. I went and was with him and his family every weekend.

I will never forget one weekend in November there was a meteor shower that only happened once in a certain amount of years. His family and I went to the bay in the middle of the night and watched the stars shoot across the sky. I cried and made one wish. To spare him from all of it.

The holidays were hard and they came and went...By March, things were flat out bad. Things kept getting worse and worse. I spent more time there and was driving back and forth between school and the house. On a steady decline, it was only a matter of time.

Two days before he died, I laid next to him and spent hours telling him things I remembered about our time together. I told him how much I loved him...how much his family and friends loved him. Anything I could possibly remember about our time together, I told him. I cried, I didn't think it was fair, I didn't know what life would be like on the other side of loss.

He died in the middle of the night on April 6, 2002. His immediate family and I all sat around his bed with him, holding his hand and reminiscing. It is something I can never forget and the scariest moment I have ever known.

This WAS the worst thing I might ever experience in my whole life. But, he was my first love...he taught me the capacity of love and I learned it in less than a year when things couldn't have been any worse. When you love someone, you stand by their side through it all. It is not something to be recognized for, it is what LOVE is all about...

I am getting married in July to the love of my life. He is more than anything I could ever ask for. I am truly lucky to have him in my life. In the very beginning of our relationship, he told me when the time was right, he wanted to know my story. My story is one to remember because it has made me who I am. I have learned many things, most importantly, unconditional love. I tell this story because I truly believe that had I not gone through what I had, I would NOT be a large part of who I am today. I am getting married to the one who knows this about me, understands this about me....and knows that everything happens for a reason.

We all have a past. We have ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, ex-wives, ex-husbands...regardless of how they ended, they are all a part of who we are. If we were to not remember these past people in our life, then we're forgetting a part of the little things that build us and make us who we are.

I lost the day he died, but I gained some incredible life lessons that will be with me always. I will never forget how hard that time period was, and how much he meant to me, but I truly believe he led me to my fiance.

If this experience had not happened, I might never have met my fiance, never knew the a certain capacity of love, nor how to pick myself back up again...

I believe, that everything happens for a reason..

FREAKED out...

In my earlier post today I forgot to comment on the fact that we saw Saw II last night. We've seen the first one, so we knew the style of the movie, but I have to admit that I was FREAKED out through the whole movie.

It's not that I was scared because I LOVE scary movies for the suspense it puts you through throughout the movie, but this freaked me out because it was so gory and disgusting....and in some ways....realistic. I can see some really F'D up person doing something like that.

All in all though, I liked it. I just sat on the edge of my seat or peering through a little opening in my blanket all night.

Trick or Treat

Last night was our first year where we were festive on Halloween and gave out candy to the trick or treaters. It was mostly my pushing because now that we live in a nice area with decent kids as neighbors, I thought it would be nice to be festive.

I was reminded of something that annoyed me about kids, candy, and the holiday. First of all, my MAJOR grievance came later in the night when the "older" kids walked around without costumes on and expected to be given what they wanted. Now, it's Halloween and I'm not going to deny anyone candy, HOWEVER, these kids were the most rude!! These were the ONLY kids of the entire night that asked for MORE than they were given, without saying anything polite...please, thank you, etc.

My only other grievance were the younger kids who were with their parents and were NOT polite either. I will say that kids do get very excited and sometimes FORGET their manners, but I was shocked how bratty some of the younger kids could be without any correction from their parents.

I am not going to take anything away though from the young kids who were adorable, VERY polite, and made giving out candy VERY worthwhile.