I BELIEVE

I believe in a LOT of things....I believe in love, I believe in destiny (one that you create), I believe in being happy (even though it might take a little bit of work), and I believe that everything happens for a reason...

When I was 20 years old, I experienced something that someone that age shouldn't have to go through. When I tell this story, people don't know how to react, but I tell it because I believe that everything happens for a reason.

In a whirlwind of a summer, I fell in love for the first time and was living in a world that was always happy and things were wonderful. We spent all of our time together and I didn't think things could be any better. September came and it was time for me to go back to school. He was older, and he lived at the beach, so I really didn't know what was going to happen.

One night I got a call from him telling me how much pain he was in. His parents took him to the emergency room and the next day found out that he had an advanced stage of cancer. When I tell you that it knocks the wind out of you, it really does. I went and saw him after undergoing major surgery and I already knew things were going to be different. I layed with him in his hospital bed and was scared, more than I have ever been in my entire life. My grandfather died of cancer and I knew firsthand what it can do to someone.

In this situation, you have a choice to make. You run away scared, or you step up and stand by their side unconditionally. There was only one choice for me.

Things were never easy. He had to move out of his apartment and in with his parents. There was never any good news, more bad days than good, and a lot of struggles. He tried with all of his might to push me away. He didn't want me to see him that way and he didn't want me there through the bad days, only the good. I stayed. I held his hand. I went and was with him and his family every weekend.

I will never forget one weekend in November there was a meteor shower that only happened once in a certain amount of years. His family and I went to the bay in the middle of the night and watched the stars shoot across the sky. I cried and made one wish. To spare him from all of it.

The holidays were hard and they came and went...By March, things were flat out bad. Things kept getting worse and worse. I spent more time there and was driving back and forth between school and the house. On a steady decline, it was only a matter of time.

Two days before he died, I laid next to him and spent hours telling him things I remembered about our time together. I told him how much I loved him...how much his family and friends loved him. Anything I could possibly remember about our time together, I told him. I cried, I didn't think it was fair, I didn't know what life would be like on the other side of loss.

He died in the middle of the night on April 6, 2002. His immediate family and I all sat around his bed with him, holding his hand and reminiscing. It is something I can never forget and the scariest moment I have ever known.

This WAS the worst thing I might ever experience in my whole life. But, he was my first love...he taught me the capacity of love and I learned it in less than a year when things couldn't have been any worse. When you love someone, you stand by their side through it all. It is not something to be recognized for, it is what LOVE is all about...

I am getting married in July to the love of my life. He is more than anything I could ever ask for. I am truly lucky to have him in my life. In the very beginning of our relationship, he told me when the time was right, he wanted to know my story. My story is one to remember because it has made me who I am. I have learned many things, most importantly, unconditional love. I tell this story because I truly believe that had I not gone through what I had, I would NOT be a large part of who I am today. I am getting married to the one who knows this about me, understands this about me....and knows that everything happens for a reason.

We all have a past. We have ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, ex-wives, ex-husbands...regardless of how they ended, they are all a part of who we are. If we were to not remember these past people in our life, then we're forgetting a part of the little things that build us and make us who we are.

I lost the day he died, but I gained some incredible life lessons that will be with me always. I will never forget how hard that time period was, and how much he meant to me, but I truly believe he led me to my fiance.

If this experience had not happened, I might never have met my fiance, never knew the a certain capacity of love, nor how to pick myself back up again...

I believe, that everything happens for a reason..