5 Years...

Friday April 6th will be 5 years to the day that a boyfriend of mine passed away. What bothers me a little bit is that the first time I thought of that was this morning, when it just popped into my head.

I had a really hard time in the beginning because it was a loss that made me feel really empty inside. When someone is so much a part of your life, and then all of a sudden they're not there anymore, it feels like you're constantly lost in search of something.

When my fiance and I first started dating, it was really important to me that he knew of that part of my life. I wanted him to understand what I had gone through. One night we went for a walk near his apartment complex and there was a big storm brewing. When we got back to his immediate parking lot, he stopped me and told me that when the time was right, he wanted to know that part of me. He reinforced with me then how special he was because I knew he wouldn't be the type of person that would ever expect me to forget....after that moment, it started to rain...

I still haven't forgotten to this day, and of course I never will. People often have a sympathetic look when I tell them a story related to him, or just tell them of that time in my life. It's hard for me because I don't want that sympathetic look. I want everyone to understand that now I am able to look back and realize that that experience with him helped to shape the person I have become. I am thankful to have been able to be there for him.

I had a dream the other night...he walked into a room looking very healthy and glowing from the "good days" that I remember and said "What's happening", his trademark phrase. He was really tall, so I remember just looking up and seeing him smiling. So, I stood up on what looked like a lockerroom bench and we just hugged for a few minutes. Then, he said to me, "So, I hear you're in love" and just smiled. With that, I woke up.

It's hard to believe that 5 years have gone by since that happened. My life has changed tremendously, but that is one thing that will always remain unchanged inside. I truly believe that I am with my fiance today because the roads of my life carried me the way they have, and I would never change them. The next few days for me will be remembering the person who taught me about love, life, and loss...

...It's better to have loved and lost...then to have never loved at all....