Update on Life

It's been awhile since I last posted, mostly due to my lack of time, and lack of inspiration...

These days have been well consumed with late nights at work and complete laziness because of my lack of desire to do anything else from being tired. However, the wedding planning has gotten started again a little bit as well as accomplishing things around the house.

I was reminded again today how everything happens for a reason. When my fiance and I first started discussing the wedding plans, my heart was set on having the ceremony at a gazeebo on the bay. I thought it was what I always wanted. Coincidentally, we had started going to a new church that we tried out on Christmas Eve and both of us felt really comfortable. So, we've been going ever since.

Then, my uncle called to say he could no longer perform the ceremony given his present location of residence and other committments around that time of year. When that happened, we started thinking about the minister at the church we've been going to and today, had a meeting with him.

Now, it looks as though we're going to have our ceremony in the church and I couldn't be happier. The church is beautiful, the location is perfect, the minister is great, and it feels as though things are falling into place as they should. Not to mention, the logistics would work out to be much easier. We would not have to be as concerned with setting up at the gazeebo, no worries due to the possible heat, rain, wind, etc. We can always have our pictures at another location or back at the gazeebo.

So once again, I was reminded that everything does indeed, happen for a reason.

Quick Thoughts

First of all....YAAAAAY!!! The COLTS are going to the superbowl!!!

- I'm actually finishing work earlier today for the first time in months.

- My first Saturday off in months just got taken away from me and boy am I pissed. The only good side to it is that one of the seniors may get his 100th win at home now.

Yeah, that's about it for this Monday.

Defunct Family

My dad's side of the family is far from the norm. He has 3 brothers, two of which treat their mom like crap, and 1 deceased sister. I can't speak for what they were like iin their earlier years, but from what Grammy says, she had a normal family where everyone did things together and they were all great children.

Well, fast forward many years. My one uncle always thought my dad was treated differently growing up because he was the baby. The oldest packed up and moved to Vermont sometime after college and hasn't been back since. If Grammy is lucky, he makes a day and a half visit once a year, but otherwise, expects her to travel up that way. There have always been money issues stemming from the fact that my uncle and his wife always thought money was important and my parents thought love was more important.

Things are strained. My dad doesn't speak with 2 of the 3 brothers, and those 2 are just plain evil if you ask me. Particularly one, has no patience with her, constantly yells at her, hardly gives her the time of day and IF she gets lucky, he'll make a trip to see her (the whole 5 minutes it takes to get from his house to hers). His grand ole excuse? "Mom, I'm too busy". Grammy: "Well, _____, you're home on a Friday, you can't be too busy." _____, raising his voice, "Mom, I have things I need to do". Grammy: "Well, I really need a ride to the doctor" ______ "Ask you're 'good son to do it."

And that's how her life goes. I think the 6 members + fiance of my family try really hard to make up for what she is lacking from the rest of the family. We call her regularly to check in and just to say hi. Over winter break my brothers took her to the doctor, the physical therapist, the pain specialist and held her hand. My dad picked her up, drove back to our house with her for the holidays and then drove her home again later....Every Saturday, my parents drive over and deliver her breakfast. They do those things for her because they want to and because they love her.

The other night I was talking to her on the phone and she was telling me how excited she was for the wedding. Particularly, because there are no rules for her to follow at this wedding. At my cousin's wedding, she was hardly allowed to drink, she had to refrain from talking, dancing was limited, etc. At one point she laughed a certain way and I was reminded of a time when we were younger. I felt so bad in that moment because things HAVEN'T been easy for her. She still laughs, but she's been through so many things in her lifetime you have to wonder how someone stays so strong. Especially after all those years of taking care of her children, and all she's getting now is crap and a "I'm too busy" in return.

It's just so frustrating to me.

6 Months...and Counting!!

It is 6 months from today until my fiance and I are getting married. I'm so afraid of time flying by so fast that I don't enjoy the little things, even if they are very minor. So I just wanted to review the past 4 months of engaged life.

Things we have accomplised since September 23rd since we got engaged:
- Wedding website with all of our information (that was done the day after we got engaged)
- Reception site
- Ceremony site (which is now subject to change)
- DJ
- Save the date magnets were sent out
- Photographer
- Florist (he's booked, just waiting til Feb.ish to go over the flowers)
- My dress :)
- Bridesmaids dresses
- Hair salon
- Honeymoon booked and almost 3/4 of the way paid for

Things still need to be done:
- Tuxes
- Limos
- videographer (still deciding on this one, but I think we will)
- passports
- Wedding favors
- Invitations
- Finish registering (we haven't done much of that at all)
- Find a new minister (but this is in the works)
- Bridal party gifts

I have been rather shocked over this whole process in the sense that I have NOT felt it has really been difficult or stressful at all. Everyone told me to be careful, because it's going to be one of the hardest times of your life. I think the only part that was even remotely stressful was finding a reception site. I had had a place in mind for a long time and I think I expected that when we went and looked at the place (it was also the FIRST place we looked at), it was going to FEEL and therefore BE the one. We didn't feel that way and then I went into panic mode calling a ton of places. Our second place we looked at ended up being the one, and we couldn't be happier with it.

There are times that engaged life has felt no different than life before. Nothing much has changed in our environment - we're still living together, we haven't had to go house shopping, etc. I think that has helped in the whole process. However, there are times when I think of myself dressed up in my wedding dress and picture myself walking down the isle towards him and my heart starts to flutter. It is totally bizarre to me at times that this is actually happening!! I get so excited that I can't wait, and then am able to calm down because reality hasn't quite set in.

I know my list of things still needing to be done is quite large, but I'm not concerned. A lot of it has already been thought about, so it will get done.

6 months until we get married!!!

What exit are you?

On Wednesday night I met one of my best friends at a halfway point for both of us just off the parkway so we could get together, have dinner, chat, and catch up. It was a great night, and we both realized afterwards how much we wish we could do this on a more regular basis.

So while I was driving home, I started thinking about exit numbers on the highways and where they have oddly played a part in my life. I know I've talked about this before, but when we were younger, my family used to spend anywhere from a couple of weeks to practically the whole summer at the shore. The day of departure usually required a VERY early start so we could avoid all the other Saturday traffic. I would be so excited that even though it was early, i could never sleep on the way down. Instead, I used to keep track of the exit numbers and wonder what was at that exit. I can vividly remember thinking what Ocean Grove was like at Exit 100 (then years later ended up living there). I think it came to a point where I could relay back all the numbers because I had gone over them so many times in my head.

When I got older and had met my ex-boyfriend, I ended up spending every week of my junior year driving back and forth to the shore because of those circumstances. I used to keep track of the exits on 195 because that meant I was getting closer. I didn't know much about the town he lived in then, I just knew it was very close to the beach. Go figure, years later, I would end up living there permanently myself.

One of my parents' favorite pictures of me was taken at an inlet at the shore when I was only about two years old with my great grandparents. Who would have thought about 23 years later I would have my engagement photos taken at the same spot.

On one of our trips back to my fiance's home town recently, I was telling him a story that I thought would be unbelievable to him. One of my routes between MY hometown and college cut through practically 5 minutes from his HOUSE. While we were partially driving that route, I told him that when we got to the point it forked, I can HONESTLY remember reading the sign towards his hometown wondering what was down that way everytime I drove that way. Now, many years later, I'm driving that same route, but to the house of my fiance's family.

It's funny how there's odd things in your life you can attribute connections too. I realized on a trip back from meeting with my best friend how something as silly as exit signs can remind you of points in your life that connect together. Maybe they're just coincidences, but to me, I find them to be rather comforting to know that something early on was maybe foreshadowing to my future. It's an interesting thing to think about.

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

Usually at some point in the day, you can usually find a coach who is running out to Wawa for something and will often grab something for me if I'm having the craving. Today, I just asked for a "blue" gatorade (so I didn't have to get one out of the vending machine).

It was a different "blue" kind then I've normally been drinking, and when I took a sip, I had this major flashback to Cross Country and track in high school. On days I would have a meet, my parents would usually bring me a gatorade for afterwards and most often, it was "blue". It was just so crazy overwhelming to have that feeling.

I think it's such a curious part of the human body in the way the brain works to associate a smell, taste, sound, sight, etc. to a memory in your past. This happens often with me with all of the senses. I'd say that this happens the most with me when I hear a certain song. For example, when I hear "Because you Loved me" by Celine Dion, I immediate think of the last dance of the winter formal my sophomore year. I went to the dance with a guy who at the time I was really good friends with and we just had a great time, no strings attached.

On certain days in the summer, the ocean will smell a certain way that brings me back to being young and being at the beach with my family in the summer. I can't even explain the smell, but it's this overwhelming mixture of salt, sand, the air...and I just drift back to being in the ocean with my family.

I think it's an awesome thing our brains do for us so that we CAN remember our past. There are some of those times we will never forget and some we want to, yet our brain can remind us with a song, whiff of the ocean, seeing something that catches our eye, and we drift back to that time...

Holy hotness

I can't believe I just ran outside in JANUARY, in a t-shirt, and it's 70 degrees outside. That's INSANE....the world really MUST be coming to end (hehe).

Oscar the GROUCH

Ok, so pardon me while I vent for a second....

- At 6:30am this morning I got behind the ONLY car on the road who was going 10 mph UNDER the speed limit.

- I had to be at work at 7am on a Saturday.

- My OFFICE door was propped open as everyone around this place feels it's fine for MY OFFICE to be propped open. I guess that's why everyday there's something new missing.

- People were complaining to ME that the bathroom doors weren't open. I never realized I was a janitor. So, I had to go on a search of the building to find the janitors to open the bathrooms.

- I told a kid until I was blue in the face that he needed a certain form filled out to return to wrestling. What does he do? He brings in a form that is totally different, doesn't even say the condition, and does not pass the standards for NJ wrestling. So screw him, he probably can't wrestle now.

- Even though I gave a parent TWO courtesy phone calls last night asking for him to return my call, I STILL didn't get one back.

- I'm wearing a pair of khaki pants for the SECOND time before washing. You should be able to wear a pair of pants 2 times before washing....But noooo, these feel stretched out, uncomfortable and now I feel self-conscious that everyone can NOTICE what I'm feeling.

- My hair is a DISASTER.

- The official of the wrestling match was being an A!* to me today.

- I had to be the one to clean up VOMIT off the wrestling mat.

- I've been bitched at by coaches.

- I feel as though I have NO weekend. FANNNNNNTASTIC.

Work Blues

Right now, I have these issues hovering above my head that are making things a little strained for me and I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable at work. I honestly have a knot in my stomach over it, and it's something that won't be resolved until the EARLIEST...next week. I fear a discovery of my blog by the wrong person who could SOMEHOW figure out that it's ME, so I'm not really going to get into the issue.

However, I have to admit that these issues really make me question my happiness in this location. I feel I have made so many strides in certain avenues, but the present situations kind of make things backtrack. Now that I am growing up and getting married, I have had thoughts on my mind regarding my job anyway.

Both my fiance and I are in job situations that require a LOT of time apart during certain times of the year, as well as late nights, and long weekends. The fiance and I have had the discussion regarding children in the future, years down the road, but still something to think about now. Since BOTH of us work in the same type of field, our time is demanded at the same TIMES of year. It's been a thought on my mind that maybe when it comes time for that to happen, I might have to consider a different path for my career for the sake of the kids. I was lucky because my mom was a teacher and my dad had a 9-5 job where he could occassionally leave by a certain time to make it to all of our sporting events. I just don't want my kids to be "on their own" during certain times of year because both of their parents are working crazy hours. I mean, it's just not plausible.

So anyway, off that sidetrack, it's kind of sad that even though I have an overall happiness where I am, these issues are so big, it could cause me to quickly forget the things I love and focus more on the things that are making me unhappy. I just feel like my day is ruined because of a certain turn of events, and I'm going to have this feeling for some time.

~ Sigh ~

It just makes things VERY difficult....